I have an allergy of craving and a mental twist; the both together makes me a true addict. It doesn’t matter the vice, the feel good, my obsession can go to whatever my focus is on. I escape the pain and go straight to the source that will give me relief. Food was my primary but, in my obsession to get what I want, I have flipped and gone to the opposite; of restriction and exercise bulimia. I live in the extremes.
When I read what I just wrote, I can see clearly how my dishonesty kept me in that addiction cycle for many years and I blamed anything or anyone when it didn’t “work”. I was self will run riot. AND I can very easily slip back into that because I am a true addict and always will be. I am never cured. I only have a daily reprieve and that is contingent upon my spiritual fitness.
When things go wrong, and things will because that’s life, my brain can take me back to my old thinking very easily. I am human and I am NOT perfect. How many times when early in abstinence I would see that scale go up one pound and my head would automatically jump to cut back salt, eat a lemon, walk 10 miles, MISS the next meal. My crazy thoughts of restriction, exercise bulimia and old ways to manipulate the scale come flooding back. Thank God for the awareness to realize that thinking will do me no good. I need to see what is beneath those thoughts, do a 10th step and clear it away. Then take action to change.
I am an addict. I have an obsession. It can be with ANYTHING. That’s who I am. Living with the dis-ease I have to stay awake so I can recognize when the behaviors click in and ask myself honestly (Step 1), what am I trying to avoid? What are my motives? What’s going on here? I know I have to believe in my HP (Step2) and surrender it to my HP (Step 3). Then dig into what’s going on (Steps 4-9). Take action and change what needs to be changed and live (Steps 10-12).
I have a simple perfect program of the 12 Steps to live by IF I want recovery.
Let my recovery be my obsession now! Yet even that needs the reigns carefully held to keep me balanced.
Being aware and accepting the obsessive person I am, I can take the action to change. One day at a time.
– Anonymous
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