I have no trouble using the word God. Sometimes I also use Source or the Universe. My relationship with a Higher Power has been a long and evolving journey. Over the years, my understanding has shifted and deepened.
I was raised Catholic. As I grew into adulthood, I found myself rejecting organized religion. Much of what I internalized growing up centered around being a good girl or else God would punish me. That idea stayed with me for a long time and created a sense of fear rather than connection.
I also struggled with what I perceived as contradictions. I could not reconcile how someone could see themselves as a good Christian while behaving in ways that did not reflect kindness or integrity. Then feel absolved through confession. That disconnect was hard for me to understand.
Today I live in a community surrounded by people of different faiths, including Islam and Hinduism. I deeply respect the people and their cultures. At the same time, I sometimes notice behaviors that do not align with the spiritual values those traditions represent. I have seen moments where honesty or integrity seem to take a back seat. Where accountability appears to come only under pressure. Whether through social consequences or beliefs like karma. These observations have reinforced for me that spirituality needs to be something deeply personal and internally grounded.
So I have come to develop my own understanding of a Higher Power. One that truly works for me. My Higher Power is loving. Not punishing. I have done enough damage to myself through self judgment. I do not need a Higher Power to join in that. Instead I believe my Higher Power wants the best for me. If that is true then it makes sense that I would want the same for myself.
This realization has been powerful. When I am harsh or critical toward myself I am moving away from my Higher Power. When I treat myself with compassion and love I feel aligned and connected.
My faith did not arrive all at once. I built it step by step. First I trusted my sponsor. Then the fellowship. Then something bigger like the universe. Over time that grew into a relationship with a Higher Power.
As I began to trust myself more I discovered something else. My higher self is trustworthy when I am connected to my Higher Power. That connection is the key. I believe my Higher Power is always present. It does not disappear. I just lose connection sometimes. When that happens I can get off track. The solution is simple. Not always easy. I reconnect.
When life gets busy I tend to forget. So I return through small practices. Pausing. Praying. Meditating. Simply taking a moment to be present. These moments bring me back.
Of course I still get in my own way sometimes. Especially when I want to control everything. I am learning to let go more often.
One idea that brings me a lot of peace is this. Everyone has a Higher Power. That means I do not have to manage everything. I do not need to fix or control situations involving others. I can trust that things are being handled on a level beyond me.
Today my life has never been better. I would not trade my worst day in recovery for my best day before it.
And for that I am deeply grateful to my Higher Power.
Val B
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