I Was Like a Child Having a Tantrum

“How many times have I become a controlling person? My life revolved around demanding that everyone do things my way and becoming obsessed with the “right” way. Then when that didn’t work, I would become so submissive that others could easily victimize me. I was led into many intolerable events just to please someone else.” – Voices of Recovery, p. 334 {November 29}

I can so relate to these infantile behaviors, a feeling that I thought was love that I expressed in ways that harmed myself and others. I may have felt love, but I didn’t understand love. I wasn’t able to love in such a way that enriched my own life and all those around me. I was like a child having a tantrum when I didn’t get my own way.

Through the Twelve Steps of OA, and all that I have learned since I joined has helped me understand myself, and how to accept responsibility for my actions. This has opened the door to loving relationships, with myself and others. Most importantly, it has cleared the path to a truly loving relationship with my Higher Power.

I had a dream the other night. I was at a service meeting in OA. There was quite a divide taking place. I watched a member {who I realized was a manifestation of myself in the dream} getting very upset and lashing out at people at this meeting, trying to get their own way. I stood up to speak with a quiet resolve, {maybe a manifestation of my Higher Power?} and reminded everyone that this is not a program where we try to control others when they aren’t doing what we wanted them to do… Rather, this is a program in which we accept what others do with grace, and always maintain the focus on our own actions and hope that they best reflect the will of our HP. If they don’t, then we work our program to ensure that they do.

My comment didn’t seem to fix anything in my dream, and that was okay. I woke up with a sense of calm. I was so grateful that I had things in good order in my own backyard, even if only in my dreams! I was quite comfortable leaving that meeting to allow them to sort themselves out. I had assured myself that I could step away from those situations with acceptance with grace, truly loving myself.

Inspired by Voices of Recovery, p. 334 {November 29}

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