When I first came into recovery, I dreaded Step 9:
“Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”
The idea of facing people I had harmed and making amends felt overwhelming. I had no idea what Step 9 would actually look like.
As I worked through the Steps and reached Step 8, something unexpected happened. I was no longer afraid. In fact, I was chomping at the bit to get started. I had done the work, I had my list, and I was ready.
Or so I thought.
As I began writing my amends and preparing for those conversations, something did not feel right. I had the willingness that Step 8 asks of us, but my amends did not feel genuine. They sounded too familiar, like I was simply saying, “I’m sorry,” the way I always had.
One day my sponsor asked me to count how many times I said “sorry” in a single sentence.
I was shocked.
I apologized constantly. Sometimes several times in one sentence. “Sorry” had become part of my vocabulary. More importantly, it had become a way of relating to people. I used it to smooth things over, avoid conflict, manipulate outcomes, seek approval, and get what I wanted. It was not always conscious, but it certainly was not authentic.
I realized I needed to go backward before I could move forward.
At the time, I was also working another Twelve Step program. Although I had already completed my Step 9 amends in OA, I began to see that many of them had not come from a truly honest place. I simply did not have that awareness when I first made them.
So, I returned to my earlier Step work.
I revisited Steps 6, 7, and 8, looking more deeply at the character defects that were driving my behavior. For me, it was not just about apologizing. It was about uncovering the control, manipulation, people pleasing, and lack of self assurance that made my apologies feel hollow. I wanted my amends to come from humility rather than guilt, from honesty rather than fear.
Only then did I feel ready to approach Step 9 from a much more authentic place.
Today, I still have one amend left to make.
It has been waiting for years.
I know who it is. I know what I need to say. But I also know I want to make that amend in person, and life simply has not brought our paths together yet.
More importantly, I trust that it is on God’s timeline, not mine.
Part of me also believes there is still a character defect that God continues to work on in me. It has not completely fallen away yet, and I suspect it is connected to why this particular amend remains unfinished. Rather than forcing it, I continue asking for willingness, honesty, and guidance.
I am still a work in progress.
The beautiful thing is that Step 9 is no longer something I reserve for a list from years ago. Today, whenever I make a mistake or harm someone, I try to make amends as quickly as I can, from an authentic place rather than out of habit or obligation. My goal is no longer simply to say, “I’m sorry.” It is to take responsibility, change my behavior, and restore the relationship whenever possible.
Step 9 taught me that making amends is not about finding the right words. It is about becoming the kind of person whose words are supported by genuine change.
That, for me, is recovery.
-Val B
Photo by Steve DiMatteo on Unsplash
©2026 Experience Strength & Hope Newsletter,
All rights reserved. Proudly sponsored by OA Foot Steps VIG #09670.
Did you enjoy this article? We would encourage our members to use this post, and others like it, at their meetings, or for private reflection. We also encourage you to share this post to other fellows to help the compulsive eater who still suffers. Please let us know if you have an idea for an article or an upcoming theme, or have any questions or suggestions. Email our editorial staff at [email protected].
The experience, strength, and hope expressed in this article, reflect the individual OA members and does not represent OA as a whole. Other OA groups and service bodies are welcome to reprint articles from Experience, Strength & Hope Newsletter without permission. When reprinting from other OA newsletters, be sure to credit the source.
