The Key to Loving Others

“Loving myself was the key to unlocking other people’s heart”

What? What does that even mean?

My journey to loving myself was not easy. I came into the program as a self-beating perfectionist, a self-pity expert, along with a severe internal harsh critic. What I didn’t realize at the time was that those self-critical thoughts and behaviors were actually very selfish. Moi? Selfish? When all I do is help others! Yes. I was so focused on myself with “poor me”, “you are not good enough”, and “you can do better” that there was no capacity to think, or do anything for anyone else.

I realized that if I felt good about myself, that I was enough, then my brain would have more space to focus on being truly helpful to others without the added attached strings seeking approval, love, attention, and validation. My brain wouldn’t be all consumed by my own self beating behaviors and thoughts.

But how could I get to that point when my default was the opposite? Some of the exercises that people recommended like affirmations, exercises in the mirror, and gratitude practices were simply not cutting it. They felt fake! They felt like I was brainwashing myself that I was good enough, pretty, etc… There was no fooling my inner critic. Yet, wasn’t I hurting myself by bingeing or restricting? Isn’t it harmful to constantly criticize myself? These were ingrained mechanisms mostly stemming from early childhood. I started working hard, like a true addict, at feeling enough. From books, therapy, various trauma work, groups, and in combination with step work, I slowly developed into what I consider myself today; a self-loving individual.

Things that have helped me along the way, and that I try to remember when I am struggling with self love are: Self love starts with self-care and feeling good about myself. So, oxygen mask on me first before putting it on others – My HP is unconditionally all loving, and wants the same for me. Why would my HP want me to be any different to myself? When I am close to my HP, then I am unconditionally all loving. When I am not being all loving to myself then I am turning away from my HP- What would I say to my best friend if she was struggling? Would I tell her she is a loser? No way. Then why should I tell myself anything else? Talk to myself the same way, I would talk to my best friend – If I had a coach on the sideline that had put a Mic on me, to listen in on my self talk, what would it sound like? – Behave in public the same way I behave internally.

As a self-loving individual, unexpected and extraordinary side effects emerged. The way I treat myself is the way I treat others. Why would I be kind to myself yet judge, criticize or be harsh with others? That neither makes any sense nor is it possible. So, here starts the loving loop. By being authentically kind, loving and accepting of myself, regardless of my sometimes-poor behavior, I can relate to others with the same level of love, even when they engage in poor behaviors. I am no different than they are. They are no different than I am. And here is the key to unlocking other peoples’ hearts: Authentic heart connection to others because I am authentically kind to myself. It’s a constant loop that starts with me being self-loving.

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