When we are constantly put down mentally, physically, and spiritually by the ones who are supposed to love us, it is difficult to rise up out of the ashes like the phoenix. For years inner effervescence was sorely lacking. The ‘pity me’ party went on and on. I told my story of woes over and over again, expanding on the context with each relation. Pity me! Pity me! My self-worth was nonexistent in my mind, heart, and soul. When you are told constantly that you are less than, you begin to believe it. I truly believed I was unintelligent, lacking any talents whatsoever. Though I functioned in daily life, I walked around like a zombie, completing responsibilities regarding my family, my home, but in my core, I believed I was a non-entity.
When a psychiatrist gave me a three-hour test and he told me, “You have above average intelligence.” I did not believe him. I laughed and thought he was just telling me that because he knew it was something I might like to hear. I left his office, still an unbeliever. I went back to work. My boss knew where I had been and asked how it went. I scoffed and said, “Can you believe it, he told me I had above average intelligence!” He laughed, put his arm around my shoulder and responded, “You could have saved your money. I could have told you that!” Again, I disregarded his statement thinking he was a nice family man who was attempting to lift my spirits. Through the rest of the work day the doctor’s result gradually went from my head to my heart and a deep joy filled my being. I kept telling myself… “I have above average intelligence!”
After work I was picked up by my spouse, our small sons were in the backseat. My husband asked how the test went. I told him that the psychiatrist said I had above average intelligence. He sneered and asked, “Where have you been hiding it all these years?” Two little giggling boy’s voices echoed, from the backseat, “Yeah, Mommy, where have you been hiding all these years?”
The lack of anything needed to create a fuller and more acceptable life does not ride on the shoulders of past abusers nor does it depend on anyone in the present. The buck stops here… on my shoulders. It is impossible for another human being to fill the voids created by my own desire to be truly loved, accepted, and affirmed. During that lethargic period of my life, I sat with my pastor for three hours. He became my mentor for over 20 years, until his death. Because of his influence I joined Al-Anon.
I cried for the first six weeks or so. Like a sponge soaked up principles over personalities. I flourished in this program and was taught how to live with an abuser; how to not accept unacceptable behavior; how to stand up for myself and stop being a doormat. I learned that I was not garbage. I was a talented, beautiful human being with so much to give others. It was in that giving that I received the bounty that my Higher Power had for me. Through Al-Anon I was introduced to Overeaters Anonymous.
My first face- to- face meeting was in 1985. I did not ‘get’ the program at that time. I knew the principles, the steps, traditions and concepts via Al-Anon but it would take many years of revolving door attendance before I actually ‘got’ the program from swimming around in my head to finally saturate my inner core. When that happened, the miracles began.
Al-Anon taught me how to live with the addicts in my life, OA taught me how to live with myself, how to love myself, how to turn my life in a new direction toward the physical, mental and emotional journey of recovery, one day at a time.
I have a lengthy abstinence from trigger foods that caused me, in the past, to overeat. Though I’m still under construction, inadequate food behaviors are not in the forefront for today. My food plan is structured on a weekly basis, charted as are my meal times. I weigh and measure three meals a day with a healthy bedtime snack. I make the time during each day for morning and evening prayer/meditation/approved program reading, and journaling.
I am no longer a non-entity. I am a vital, fully alive, and fully empowered member of OA. My sponsor taught me so much. I’ll be ever grateful for her time and talents. Along with her, my Higher Power, my brothers and sisters in OA, and my own efforts, I’m home, I’m safe, I’m loved, I’m in recovery. I no longer seek human approval, pats on the back or compliments. The only one I have to please is my Higher Power.
I work daily to become the best version of myself. Today I am not afraid to lead a meeting, to call another OA member, to go to face to face of zoom meetings. Today I’m not afraid to work the program because it works if we work it and I’m living proof.
Avalon M
Source: https://www.oacfi.org/wp-content/uploads/2025/01/2025-02_newsletter.pdf (p.7) – Illustration by Hanin Abouzeid on Unsplash
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The experience, strength, and hope expressed in this article, reflect the individual OA members and does not represent OA as a whole. Other OA groups and service bodies are welcome to reprint articles from Experience, Strength & Hope Newsletter without permission. When reprinting from other OA newsletters, be sure to credit the source.
