“Here we experience the great truth that when we let go of our need to control people and simply allow our Higher Power to serve others through us, we receive an abundance of joy and strength.” — The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous, p. 106
This one has been a tough one to write. It’s not easy coming to terms with the behaviours that once protected me as a child growing up in a severely dysfunctional, alcoholic home. The joy of the program helps me realize that I was entirely powerless. I had attempted to compensate by controlling those around me, directing others to do what I thought was helpful, instructing them in what I believed was right. If only they would follow the script I wrote!
I used to write and produce elaborate theatrical productions, getting all the neighbourhood children involved, but then I ended up playing most, if not all the parts, made all the costumes, designed all the sets! It was a one-man show that left little room for anyone else… And certainly no space for my Higher Power. I was the director, the actor and everything else in between!
The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous talks about being that actor who wants to run the whole show. If only everyone would do as I wanted, then everything would be great! If that didn’t work, then I would stomp my feet and become the RE-actor! Which was yet another role to play in this play called life, that kept me spinning out of control, as obesity and my deteriorating health took over.
It wasn’t until I came into the program that I understood, at last, the joy and freedom that came when I was able to set these compulsive behaviours aside. They no longer served my greater good, or anyone around me for that matter. They were crippling me and holding me tight in the grasp of this disease. I found a reprieve from my former self and an acceptance that I have never known before. I am still not perfect, and can too easily fall back into these roles, but I am learning more and more to accept life as it happens. Trusting in my Higher Power, working the Steps, and focusing on the service I am able to offer my fellowship, my family, and in all my interactions with the world around me, has saved me from myself in every way.
– Inspired by: “Voices of Recovery” – August 14th
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